Bollywood lingo - or Bolly-speak - would make George Orwell proud with its ignorance, stupidity and hilarity, says Satyen K Bordoloi as he decodes it to humorous results.
Every commercial film industry in the world operates on its own set of cliches. When it comes to Bollywood, even what the cast and crew tell the media is nauseatingly hackneyed, boring and often outright stupid.
Here is an attempt to read between the lines of Bolly-speak and decode what the cliches actually mean.
RUNNING SUCCESSFULLY FOR 100 DAYS: The complete sentence would read, "Running successfully for 100 days in a matinee show in one theatre in some corner of the country." And given the vastness of India, it's likely to be true.
IT'S A UNIQUE SCRIPT: It's copied from such a rare, inaccessible film that we dare you to catch us. We only hope that our film does not meet the same 'rare', 'inaccessible' fate days after release.
IT'S HIS BEST PERFORMANCE TO DATE: What do you expect? This is his first film!
THIS FILM IS DIFFERENT: Being similar to something copied 10 times previously is also being different.
THE MUSIC IS ORIGINAL: We copied it from unidentifiable corners of the music world.
IT'S A FAMILY ENTERTAINER: Everyone in the family, even the family dog, will love to bark at the actors barking out their stupid dialogues.
IT'S A THOUGHTFUL FILM: You'll be full of thoughts, wondering how what you saw could be called a film!
THIS ACTOR WAS A REVELATION: It's a revelation that the star-daughter can actually act. So what if it is only before TV crews talking about her great acting prowess?
THE ITEM NUMBER HAS BEEN TASTEFULLY DONE: Obviously, I don't know that they are called 'item numbers' because they are crass, tasteless, sexist and derogatory.
THE FILM HAS 100 KISSES: That was the original one line brief for the film. Finally, we had to add a story around it. But don't worry, the story doesn't interfere with the kisses.
I MAYBE A STAR-SON, BUT I'VE RISEN ON MY OWN: I mean, it is to my credit that every time a film has flopped I picked myself up from depression to deliver... another flop. Till the law of averages caught up 50 films later and one film finally recovered its money.
HE IS BANKABLE, HAS A CONSISTENT RECORD: The star-son had his first hit after 50 flops. Even after 1,000 films, his 1:50 hit:flop ratio stays intact.
THE FILM WENT TO THE CANNES: And then it went to the cans and has stayed there ever since.
I'M NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MY CO-STAR: Even as a journalist in the gathering says, "But sir, we never accused you of it." To which the star says, "Yea, yea, you don't have to involve the actress's make-up man to get to the saucy details."
HE IS A VERY HUMBLE STAR: When asked about his acting prowess, he says he has none. So what if it is true?
BOLLYWOOD IS THE LARGEST FILM INDUSTRY IN THE WORLD: So what if Bollywood's representation in Indian cinema is barely 20 per cent - with only 250 odd films a year - and Tamil and Telugu cinema are coming close every year with around 240 and 230 odd films respectively? Bollywood is the big dada of Indian cinema, so mind it! Don't dare question its hegemony.
MY FAVOURITE FILM IS GODFATHER: Without a Godfather, do you think anyone can survive in Bollywood?
I AM VENTURING INTO MEANINGFUL CINEMA: Yeah, I finally have the time to try and understand if any of the films I've done in my life had any meaning.
WE AUDITIONED 500 ACTORS FOR THE ROLE: And finally we chose the star-son we had selected right before we began the auditions.
IT'S A SOCIALLY-CONSCIOUS FILM: The star was so conscious about being social with extras that 20 years later he'll be fighting a dozen paternity suits.
CIGARETTE SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH: Your financial health, if you smoke in public. You get fined.
HE IS A DIRECTOR'S DREAM COME TRUE: Even nightmares are part of dreams.
THE REMAKE IS BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL: The original wasted audience's time with plot, meaning, characterization, etc. We have corrected these mistakes and have added two sleazy item numbers.
HE IS A THINKING MAN'S STAR: Any thinking man will know by the look on his face that his films are to be avoided like the plague.
BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP: Yeah, I got roles only when plastic surgery and botox finally gave me 'beauty' and good 'deep skin'.
NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE SHOOTING OF THIS FILM: The 4,000 chicken, 250 goats and 95 pigs that the cast and crew ate during the shoot were all off screen.
The insane writer of this piece takes no responsibility for these opinions. You are requested not to indulge his blasphemy by spreading it around via social media.