Current Indian politics explained in cricketing terms...

Last Updated: Sat, Jun 29, 2013 14:30 hrs

Congress to public: When Rahul Gandhi becomes Prime Minister he will hit a century of centuries.

Public to Congress: That’s fine, but he currently has a batting average of zero.

Congress to India: Don’t worry — we can still score a hat-trick in 2014.

Campaign managers to party: Sorry, but right now the asking rate is pretty steep.

Congress strategist to colleague: I don’t understand this. From 2004-11, we were coasting at no loss of wickets. Where did this sudden batting collapse come from?

Colleague: The BJP is useless. It’s all hit wicket I tell you.

Strategist: So will they announce mid-term polls?

Colleague: Why will they declare their innings when they’re behind?

Strategist: True. They’ll probably take their Powerplay and announce as many projects and freebies as they can.

Third Front to Congress-BJP: You guys are “The Ashes”. We will win the Triangular series of 2014.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram to nation: Managing the economy is not like playing a T20 match.

Nation to Chidambaram: Well, you guys seem to be playing a timeless Test right now.

Scams to India: Right now I have more records than Sachin Tendulkar.

Petrol to public: I am going to hit a century one of these days.

Rupee to dollar: What do you think of my half-century?

Civil Society to BJP: This is not fair! We were expecting stalwart leader LK Advani at the toss. Where did this Modi come from?

Mainstream media to BJP: Please change your batting order.

BJP to mainstream media: And since when does the Opposition decide the batting order?

Mainstream media to BJP: Hmmm, so you’ve hit us with your doosra.

Cricket expert to Congress: A “beehive” is a comparative pitch map that illustrates where the balls of the innings have passed the batsman.

Congress to cricket expert: Wow! Rahul can describe all of India in that manner.

Cricket expert: With him, everything looks like a corridor of uncertainty, actually.

Mainstream media to BJP: We will always keep Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi on the backfoot.

BJP to mainstream media: Don’t worry—he can hit sixers on the backfoot.

The political rule: In case of a tie between the Congress and BJP, then the Congress will proceed ahead because of a better secularism run rate.

The Congress-BJP war…

Congress to BJP: Rahul is even better than captain MS Dhoni.

BJP to Congress: Even Rohit Sharma is better than Rahul.

BJP to Congress: Why have you been appealing against Modi non-stop for 11 years running now?

Congress to BJP: Don’t worry, the Third Umpire is with us and his decision is still pending.

Congress to BJP: Just check out the attacking field we have set against Modi.

BJP to Congress: That’s fine. But why have you put umpires in the place of fielders?

Congress to BJP: Really? But we have the best bowling attack in the world.

BJP to Congress: Well, all they are doing is bowling no balls and beamers.

Congress to BJP: But it’s still chin music all the same.

BJP to Congress: Even if you bowl Yorkers—Modi knows the helicopter shot.

Congress to BJP: We’ll see. He may have had a long innings and played well till now, but right now he’s entering the nervous nineties.

Congress to BJP: Manmohan Singh is a great batsman with a very long innings.

BJP to Congress: Mainstream media is the greatest night watchman in the history of political cricket.

Congress to BJP: Modi is a flat track bully and can only play on the dead pitches of Gujarat.

BJP to Congress: Currently your batting is weaker than ours and you’ll get slaughtered on tough pitches all over the country.

Bonus: The social media (mainly Twitter) war…

Social media to mainstream media: You are not a neutral umpire.

Mainstream media to social media: Well you are just like the IPL: Sensational and irrelevant.

TwitterNREGA to social media: Have you noticed the amount of 4s and 6s we have hit off late?

Social media to TwitterNREGA: Well this match is totally fixed.

TwitterNREGA to social media: Modi is not a terrifying fast bowler. He is nothing but a chucker (Feku).

Social media to TwitterNREGA: Why are you describing Rahul’s bowling?

The mainstream media grouse: This is not fair, we had totally tied Modi down with our tight bowling and the social media now is giving him too many free hits.

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