Frankly, my dear: In short, a tall story

Antara Dev Sen is Editor of The Little Magazine, an independent publication devoted to essays, literature and criticism on social concerns and issues neglected by mainstream media (www.littlemag.com). Sen has earlier worked as a senior editor with The Hindustan Times and The Indian Express, among other assignments. She can be contacted at sen@littlemag.com

I am most appalled by these so-called researchers who have nothing better to do than analyse irrelevant data and leap to ridiculous conclusions. Now they say that short people are more jealous. Yes, that’s what they said in this week’s New Scientist, and of course the whole world — dominated by depressingly average people who can never pass up an opportunity to feel superior — fell on it as God’s truth.

First of all, why on earth should we take some half-baked self-serving study by some overgrown Dutch researchers seriously? The Dutch are the world’s tallest people. For many years now, the average Dutch guy has been 6’1”, and the taller Dutchmen positively monstrous. Especially from where I stand as a proud Indian, head held high, staring straight at their bellies. You need to mingle with your own, of course, and it is easier with the average Indian guy being 5’6”. Given this basic fact, why should we take anything these Goliaths say linking height and character seriously?

Jealous? Us? They must be joking! We shorties have several advantages in life. We can stand tall in a minibus, for example. No crick in the neck, no hitting your head against the rails or ceiling of the bus, no pain, only gain. We can also duck under other people’s arms and get through a crowd much faster than the gangly old lamboos, who seem to create the crowd in the first place by not knowing how to move.

Besides, if we trip, it is a shorter fall to the ground. Every inch saved helps, especially as you grow older. We live closer to the ground, not up there in some rarefied atmosphere. We are real people.

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And we are comfortable in any economy class flight, happily stretching our legs in the couple of inches of leg space they offer cattle class passengers. We can also snuggle into any sofa or curl up on a big cushion and go to sleep, using any old shawl as a blanket, unlike tall guys and gals who never fit into anything and have their feet perpetually sticking out.

Being short is particularly enjoyable if you are a woman. You don’t tower over men, you are not a threat. Often you actually look up at them, and they have to bend to hear you. They are delighted. They feel superior. All is well, the dear men believe, all is as it should be. And lulled into a feeling of primal supremacy they don’t notice your brain. A huge advantage, this, since you can then do exactly what you want. An undetected brain is unstoppable. Oh yes, short is sweet. Especially for women.

But not for the Dutch. Their study focused on jealousy, and found shorter people to be more jealous. It merely reinforced one of the many stereotypes of the ‘short men syndrome’. Shorter men make more jealous lovers and husbands, they said. And pulled out some data: men around 5’4” tall — classified as short, of course — were 50 per cent more likely to be jealous than men 6’6” tall. Now that would explain why most Indian men are such jealous lovers and husbands. It’s just our luck. We don’t get the 6’6” variety down here.

Stop smirking, young lady. You aren’t much better either. In fact, the Dutch have been more damning on short women. In the jealousy scale of 1-6, tall men scored best: 2.25 and short men scored an average of 3.75, whereas short women scored 5. Now, that’s impressive, this flamboyant 5 out of 6. It probably makes short women the most jealous species in the animal kingdom. Next come tall women, scoring 4 out of 6, which is still higher than the 3.75 score of jealous short men. The best score for women was by those of average height: 3 out of 6.

Oh no, young lady, don’t give me that smug smile. You may not be as average as you wish to be. Only women around 5’6” are considered to be of ‘average height’ in this study. Still feel superior? Or do you agree that this study is just an exercise in heightism?

Every few months, these ridiculous researchers come up with some study to put down short people. This is understandable — they are jealous, since short people are better, smarter and more eco-friendly. (No, not because we are more bio-degradable, silly, eco-friendly because we destroy less of the earth’s resources by having smaller sized clothes, shoes and other personal items, could use less material for low furniture, low doors and windows, lower homes, lower cars, buses, trains and planes, we use less water and food, need smaller graves or less wood for cremation, and generally invade less space. For example, Lilliput would have much lower carbon emission levels than the strapping US).

Anyway, they come up with this Get Shorty surveys now and then. A few months ago some Danish researchers announced that short people complain more about ill health. Not that short people are less healthy, mind you, but that they complain more. Rubbish! Why would we complain? We never complain! It’s just our bad luck that we are blamed for all kinds of rubbish by those jealous, stupid, ordinary, average to tall blokes.

Do we complain that we can never see the lower half of any film? Do we complain about the dictionaries and other fat books we have to carry around in order to place on chairs and sit on in theatres? Do we complain that our feet are left dangling from every other chair because it’s built for daddy long legs? Do we complain that counters at banks and eating joints are positioned near our nose? Do we complain of strained calf muscles due to incessant standing on toes?

Do we complain that every mirror on every wall except on our own bathroom/ bedroom wall is too high? No, we just check out our eyes and forehead and assume that the rest of the face is in place as well. Do we complain that every clothes-hook is out of reach? No, we become expert high jumpers. Do we complain that we can never reach kitchen cupboards? No, we have a discreet stool handy to reach for the haldi while cooking. Do we complain that every other person we meet loops a lazy arm around our shoulder? No, we practise burning them to cinders with our eyes. Do we ever complain? Of course not!

We could, if we wanted to, wage war based on the cold data served up by these very studies. They told us that it starts at childhood, this discrimination. Shorter kids get bullied more. They also do not get positions of authority in school (it took huge talent to become a class monitor or class warden if you were short), since the teacher trusts the leadership abilities of taller students. This inequity continues through adult life.

Almost 10 years ago a British study revealed that short men and women earn significantly less than tall men and women. They also found that fat women earned less. So if you are a short and fat woman, prepare to be poor. (No, marrying a very rich guy may not be an option, short and fat women are not hot property on the marriage market.) A Fortune 500 study on CEOs a couple of years ago divulged that CEOs are tall people — their average height was 6’. So if you are of medium height, take heed. Chances are that you will never reach the top slot. Work on Plan B.

Another study showed that height was a major advantage in politics — tall candidates usually won elections. And of course we know how the belief that tall people are better leaders screwed up Rwanda. The ruling Belgians gave preferential treatment to the Tutsis, a tall warrior tribe that was a minority in this land of the Hutus. Long after the Belgians left, there was a terrible clash between the Hutus and Tutsis, and at least one million people were killed in the Rwandan genocide.

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And they say short people are aggressive and insecure, and have a terrible temper. Some nerve — after rooking us at every opportunity, and discriminating against us at every step. Even then, we are the gentlest lot — we are never aggressive. Trust me. No, really. We don’t have an angry bone in our body. Arrey, are you deaf, mister? Say that once more, you goofy giraffe, and we’ll bite your asinine head off.

Besides, if you really want to believe in studies, there are others that show how good it is to be short. A 1992 study showed that shorter people lived longer — it had something to do with us having less cells than the taller chaps, I think. A couple of years ago, a medical study showed that shorter people have less cardiovascular disease. That too may have something to do with less cells or maybe blood having to traverse shorter distances through the body. Something significant, anyway. Something that proved we were nature’s favourites.

And there were studies that showed that shorties have quicker reactions. We can accelerate body movements faster, we have greater endurance and proportionately stronger muscles. We can also rotate our bodies faster — which is very important, as all of us rotating roundels know. Most importantly, we are less likely to be seriously injured or die in car accidents. I joke not. Scientists said so.

But if you don’t like science, go by experience. Joan of Arc was 4’11”. Mother Teresa was 5’ and Mahatma Gandhi 5’2”. All of them would fall in the very short category of these studies. Yet none of them was known to be an insecure, jealous, angry individual lacking leadership qualities.

As Indians, we are doomed to be largely categorised as shorties in these international studies. Especially by the gargantuan North Americans and Europeans. Fortunately, life does not correlate so perfectly. It winds between grey areas, marking spaces for regional variations and individual preferences. It’s not so cut and dried. In short, we are Indians, and we won’t go Dutch.

The views expressed in the article are the author’s and not of Sify.com

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