India remains the lands of arranged marriages. Chennai-based author Nandini Krishnan decided to devote six months of her life in studying the 'institution that (she believes) will never really wind down".
So what did she learn from the people she spoke to? We collect some of her thoughts on the issue.
Q: After so many conversations, what did you learn about the institution of arranged marriage?
Essentially, that people care enough about the institution for me to make a profit from writing about it.
If you want a less mercenary answer, well, whatever I learnt is in the book, really – obviously, the women whom I spoke to each had different sorts of cultural identities and upbringings; so, while they may have agreed with each other on the broad general issues that come up in an arranged marriage, each had her own distinct wish list, and her own way of dealing with problems and differences.
I think I would sum up my main takeaway as this – it's best to get into an arranged marriage having some idea of what one wants from life and from marriage, and also of what one would do if things don't quite work out that way.
It's also an institution that will never really wind down, I think.
If you look at what these wedding portals have evolved into, it's not a whole lot different from the dating websites in the West. I know of people who met on Shaadi.com or Bharat Matrimony, and went on to talk to each other for months before deciding to get married (or to break up).
And though some of us think that this eternal craving that old people and middle-aged people and everyone else appears to have, to see us all married and multiplying, will die with them, I don't think that's the case. I mean, I don't think that it will die with their generation.
All my married friends want to know when everyone else is getting married, or why someone is not getting married, or whether someone has intentions of ever being married. They're often "worried" about their younger siblings not having got married yet.
Several of them, even those younger than I or not much older than I, call me "dear" and advise me and all other unmarried vagabonds like me on the things we're missing out on.
Q: How open were the conversations you had for the book? Were they comfortable discussing their marriage for a published work?
Oh, very open. I think I was more squeamish than a lot of my interviewees, because I tend to be very protective of my private life and assumed they would be of theirs.
I had discussed the issue of using pseudonyms with my publishers even before starting work on the book, and they were fine with it. So, when I told my interviewees they had the option of not using their real names, they lost their reserve.
In fact, some of them were even fine with using their actual names, and so were their spouses. Most opted to change them.
Of course, within their circles, people may guess who they are. But then, there's no proof, and there's no way in-laws will be able to march up to them with the book in hand. It's also a good way of making sure their spouses aren't embarrassed or annoyed by the whole thing.
Interestingly, many of them chose to use names that they had some sort of affiliation with – either a pet name, or name of a close friend, or pseudonyms they had used before, or derivations from the names of people they had crushes on.
People's willingness to talk so openly about their marriages did surprise me, despite the fact that the names were going to be changed – because, I at least, would know their identities.
(Continued...)
Image: Cover of the book - 'Hitched', by Nandini Krishnan
Text: Sify
Images: By Author
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