Operation Osama: A jihadi cow, some chicks and a lot of confusion

Last Updated: Mon, May 09, 2011 06:27 hrs
​Osama bin Laden

It could be a plotline borrowed directly out of one of the Rambos or those Arnold-starring True Lies kinda movies or even Independence Day - imagination stretched to the power of Abbotabad.  

There's the dreaded terrorist fugitive living in a den within plain sight of the military establishment. With his three wives, children, an evil cow, evil rabbits and evil chicken!

There's the war on terror with its drones as the backdrop. There are the years of spying mystery compounded by Raymond Davis kinda stuff. There are the stealth choppers.

There's the hoodwinking of the Military-Intelligence apparatus of another country.

There's the fit, square-jawed, blue eyed, all-American terrorist hunter SEALS that can do no wrong. Demolition machines 2.0.

There's the operation telecast live to the Top Guns.

There's the surrounding media 'we-know-its-big-but-it's-so-big-we-can't-tell-you-just-yet' build up.

And then there's the 'justice has been delivered (actually revenge has been extracted) through a shot in the eye' announcement.

There's the burial at sea 'according to Islamic rites'.

There are celebrations and the accompanying euphoria.

Just as when one felt that the narrative couldn't get anymore Hollywood, they added a dog to it; a German shepherd (or was it a Belgian Malinois?)  that can para-jump!

Sooner or later, the White House will add the eye of the tiger soundtrack to Operation Geronimo. EKIEMFTA - Enemy Killed In Extreme Made For TV Action. More Hollywood than Hollywood itself!

One would have thought that there would be clarity from word go about one of the most sensational military operations ever.

But even as frills were added to the narrative, clarity wasn't. Instead, more confusion clouded the facts.

Osama was armed. No, he wasn't. But he looked like he could be armed. He was shot dead in the face and the heart. Because he could have fired even though he wasn't carrying arms but he could've laid his hands on an AK-47.

Make up your mind, White House! What's with multiple narratives? It's your story. Get it right and preferably get it right in one take.

Sure from a strategic point of view, America can't own up to shooting Osama dead in order to avoid a long-winded high profile trial. But expecting this sequence of events put forth by the White House to supply answers rather than fuel more questions is rather ambitious.

And I for one don't buy President Obama's line that the Osama photos are not being released because 'We don't want to spike the football'.

Mr President, did you hear your own speech? That speech was spiking the football. I think, Sir, your SEALS crossing the sharp line between revenge and justice was more than spiking the football.

The executive order to feed Osama to Arabian Sea fish was the icing on the cake, or if one may say so, the wasabi on the sushi in the football spiking game. (Was Arabian Sea picked because of its name?)

I must say, though, that Osama home videos released by the White House are rather interesting. The video of Osama watching his own video made me think of a rundown Sylvester Stallone watching Rambo reruns. Not that parallels can be drawn.

I can't imagine the number of outtakes the man must've had to do in his Jihadi videos because of the kids and the cattle in the house-hold. 'I want to tell the Americans of the consequences of... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... damn you STUPID COW! No, not you, wife number 2!' Retake!

TV journalists do this as well, shutting people and animals up as they record their Piece-to-Cameras and fake lives and retakes and more shutting people and animals up. And they watch their own videos.

I'm now waiting for the State Department to release home videos of Osama fighting with his three wives simultaneously or the three wives cornering him together! How does one even manage three wives? Seriously! A Congressional committee needs to enquire into this!

The funniest aspect of the story is of course how it played out in Pakistan and how some thought that India had attacked. The irony of Pakistan thinking that India has mounted an attack while Osama's cow (possibly now under preventive custody) was bleating as American SEALS stormed the 'mansion' in which the gardener's bull was about to impregnate her! What a tragic end to a prospective bovine fairy tale.

On the other hand, imagine how Jihadi a calf born to Osama's cow would've been! I can so clearly picture an America-hating, Jihad-ruminating, AK-47 strutting radical calf.

As the US media carefully paraded Pakistan's duplicity in front of the whole world, the Pakistani Military-Intelligence complex scurried around for explanations, but came up with nothing conclusive or convincing.

There was only more confusion. The 'RADARs did not work' excuse is fascinatingly stupid and totally believable at the same time.

And yet somehow, the 'two-confusions-make-one-clarity' narrative is along expected lines. I suggest we stop trying to find out what exactly happened.

It'd be foolish to expect even a shade of truth from two countries whose security agencies run dirty operations and even dirtier wars.

Also by Raheel Khursheed: Pakistan's mysterious silence on Osama's death

The coolest jail in India

Ban the burqa? Let the women decide

Even Pappu can fast - Only you can kill corruption 

Stop poking me on Facebook if you are a guy. It's gay

Raheel Khursheed is an independent journalist based in Kashmir. He consults on communication skills, development and youth leadership. He writes on international, national, local and even trivial matters. You can contact him on raheel.khursheed@gmail.com. Follow Raheel on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Raheelk

More from Sify: