Rushdie ban a victory for democracy? If you say so...

After a lot of hullabaloo about whether the infidel Salman Rushdie should be allowed to step on to the land of his ancestors after he has desecrated it through his unholy writings, Rushdie finally officially cancelled his trip on Friday, 20 January 2012.

The people who opposed his trip with so much josh declared it a 'victory for democracy'.

With the Indian cricket team getting thrashed down under, any victory is a good victory at this time. Obviously, we need more of such 'victories' to boost the morale of this country.

Therefore, to help my fellow citizens win more and more and more here is my quick three-step guide -

Step One: Are you reading this? Apologize!

Victory begins with the first step.

It is important to take that step in the right direction. Are you or were you ever a citizen of this country? Have you ever said/written/sung/painted/thought anything? You have just offended a sizeable number of people. And you better apologize right now and shut up forever otherwise your mouth will be shut for you.

What about your right to free speech and freedom of expression? What sort of country do you think you belong to? This is a 'democracy' and we don't have that kind of primitive nonsense here. You have just offended 3.9 billion Indians - past, present and future!

You better apologize if you know what is good for you!

Step Two: Got a raging mob yet, you pansy?

To achieve a true victory, under no circumstances must you call for police protection. Please keep in mind that this is a 'democracy'. So while the government definitely has no problem whatsoever with whatever you do, announcing their noble intentions is really the ONLY obligation they have towards you.

Actually deploying police forces to protect your person is something that happens in all those strange foreign nations - not in a 'democracy' like ours.

So when the raging mob attacks you in the street you better get one of your own. You don't have a raging mob because you are an intellectual? Look 'democracy' is a business for the adults and you better leave your childish civility behind and grow up.

On the other hand, you can leave the country. Dying is also an option but that is considered a bit rude.

Step Three: These tweets are meant for talking ONLY

All victories are a team effort. And don't worry your team will be filled with 'heavyweights' - their published books must weigh several kilograms each at least. These people are the creme-dela-creme of our nation's best and brightest.

And just like cream and other light, frothy substances, they will always manage to float to the top. In case you are wondering where you fit in to this metaphor - you don't. Don't understand? It is obvious your grasp of modern Indian thought is feeble.

Is that unconnected to the topic? Of course! You can't expect your team to actually be in touch with reality do you? This is a 'democracy', here we read books, stupid.

Now it is common to wonder where all those people with the speeches and books (or even the organisers) are while you are being pummeled. Don't worry they are totally fighting for you - on twitter, in ALL CAPS!

Can you feel the power of 'democracy'? Can you taste the 'victory'? Are you revelling in the 'victory for democracy'? You are? Good for you!

Because to me it feels like absolute rubbish.

P.S: This article - where I indirectly called the anti-Rushdie camp fanatics, the organisers and their friends cowards, the government a slave to vote-bank politics and morally inept - is the possibly one of the few real victories for democracy within five hundred miles. Enjoy while it lasts.