It’s Diwali again! The season that makes everybody happy – North Indians, South Indians, photographers, marketing managers, diabetic machines salesmen… Er… You get the point.
The thing about Diwali is, different people celebrate it differently. Some people live their lives to celebrate it (and end up annoying everyone else), while there are some who realize it’s Diwali only when HR sends the ‘office celebrations, please come in Indian clothes, people who don’t will be made to sing/dance’ mail.
Let’s have a look at some of these characters, shall we?
1: The extreme SMSer
Yes, we had to begin with this one. As messaging gets cheaper (1.5 Re to 1.0 Re to 0.5 to WhatsApp), the number of Happy Diwali SMSes you receive has gone proportionally up. The extreme SMSer, however, takes things to a whole new level by sending you an entire bhajan on SMS, an MMS video of a pooja, a GIF of fireworks or, the worst possible thing, an ASCII message such as this:
“ =* =* =* HAPPY DIWALI =* =* =*
That stopped being cool in 2002. Select all -> Delete. Repeat. Sigh.
2: The deal-hunter
For this chap, Diwali means two things – freebies and discounts. He’ll save up all his requirements for the year to splurge at this time. While it’s okay that he wants to defer his TV purchase by two months to get that free wet grinder during Diwali, it’s a little absurd when he puts off bathing for a week just so he can get the ‘one free!’ Medimix soap offer.
3: The guy who doesn’t care (and wants to make everyone else know that)
Festivals, by their sheer nature, are prone to their share of agnostics. That’s fine, because you’ll always have your share of people who don’t bother buying gifts on Christmas (or even participate in Office Secret Santa! Shock, horror!). But Diwali brings out the worst in these characters, taking it to activism levels (abusing those who say they’re going to use crackers), to defying tradition (ordering the meatiest pizza, while wearing raggedy old clothes). But they’ll fall short of refusing to give the garbage guy his ‘Diwali gift’ because, let’s face it, who wants their front door to be strewn with waste vegetables, no matter how much they act ‘meh’ on Facebook, right?
4: The photographer
Usually, it’s any idiot with a DSLR who contorts to take photos of lamps in weird angles. But now, thanks to the magic of Instagram, everyone thinks he/she is a photographer, irrespective of camera. Firecrackers are attempted to be immortalized in digital celluloid, but this attempt fails miserably when all you get is a blurry mess (the concept of shutter speed enters our Instagrammers’ vocabulary at approximately this point).The Facebook timeline is nothing but a bunch of colours against a black sky and a lot of people screaming. It’s like the IPL, but without the cheerleaders.
5: The spoilsport
Not only does this guy not like celebrating Diwali, he is hell bent on making everyone else’s miserable. While the agnostic (no. 3 in this list) just shuts himself from everything, this guy takes things to another level by cribbing about how every site he left his email address on sends him a useless Diwali mailer, how people whose number he doesn’t have sends him Diwali SMSes… And of course, pointing out the very helpful fact that right after Diwali, comes World Diabetes Day. Humbug!
Deepak Gopalakrishnan aka Chuck is a Mumbai-based cartoonist, blogger and green chilli aficionado.
He tweets here