Want a war? Go fight one yourself

Last Updated: Sat, Sep 24, 2016 09:03 hrs
Want a war? Go fight one yourself

The Government at the Centre is inflicting great injustice upon millions of Indians. After the dastardly killing of 17 soldiers by Pakistan sponsored terrorists, a lot of angry Indians are demanding war against Pakistan. The centre is being unjust by refusing to send every one of these Indians to the border to fight the enemy nation. 

People who kill fellow Indians in the name of protecting Bharat mata and gau raksha, should be given a real chance to fight and kill in the name of mother India. 

The problem, however, is that the Indian Army - one of the best trained but also perennially understaffed, underpaid and often mal-equipped armies in the world - needs quality. 

The solution to this problem is simple: form a new battalion from these war mongering Indians. The logic is simple: those who want war, must be ready to go to war themselves. After all when we want something done, we must do it ourselves. 

Every Indian who wants war should be recruited into this battalion irrespective of race, caste, religion, gender, age, class etc. and everything should be done to smooth their way into war. 

As preparation for training, we must show these people some great war movies, beginning with Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece ‘Saving Private Ryan’. Even the first half an hour of the film would serve the purpose of preparing these people to the true challenges of war. 

To give them a hint of their situation, we could also show them the Tom Cruise starrer ‘Edge of Tomorrow’ where a non-combatant finds himself fighting amidst soldiers against aliens. But under no circumstance will we show rubbish films like another Tom Cruise starrer ‘Born On The Fourth Of July’ (1989) or ‘Kajaki’ (2014) because these would put everyone in the world against war. What a boring world that would be.

It’s said that: samajhdaro ko ishara his kafi hai – an indication is enough to educate the smart. These films will act as good filters to remove those who are not truly serious about war. The faint of the heart would realise after viewing these films that as soldiers they could find themselves in such a situation and so unlike these war films, they can’t take real war as a popcorn entertainment, that despite literally being ‘big business’ war is also truly serious business. 

These losers would realise that war is the real deal where real people with real families, real children, real spouses, real parents, die and those who survive these dead soldiers often spend years trying to get the basic compensation promised to them by a once grateful but now forgetful nation.

If even this does not work, then the Indian Army could hire the expertise of India’s virtual reality expert, filmmaker Anand Gandhi who through his company ElseVR could make a five minute virtual reality film, giving his viewers an ‘immersive’ experience of real war. 

This 3D augmented reality film should have everything a war does: exploding bodies, blood and gore, severed body parts, hurt people screaming in agony, helpless paramedics, ear splitting explosions… nothing should be spared to give the full experience of what a war truly is. 

Half of these people will throw up. Those that don’t can now finally begin the real deal: training. 

This training should be peppered with immense kindness as most people would be those whose fingers, up and down on their key boards demanding war on social media, travel more distance than their bodies. Hence instead of the gruelling marathon runs, we can start them off with 5 kilometre runs. Those who die on the way, their corpses should be allowed to rot right there to give their dead bodies, and their proud relatives, the full experience of what many dead soldiers face in war. 

Those who survive are the truly strong lot. They should be given the no holds bar training. Hand to hand combat, knife fights, gun battles… they should be poked with blunt knifes edges to partly stimulate gun wounds that soldiers in the frontline often receive. A 100 such pokes to those who have only known Facebook pokes in their life, might filter a few more chicken hearts at the last test. 

All politicians and TV News Anchors who shout war should be given officers training and because these are public figure, none of them should be allowed to leave. Even if some of these politicians, with corruption money clogging their arteries, face heart attacks while training, we should have stents put in or bypass surgeries conducted under unhygienic conditions so they too can get a feel of how medics in war have to treat badly injured soldiers in the most hostile conditions and how many doctors and medics themselves die in the line of duty. 

Doing the maths it is evident that though a lot of people would be filtered out, those who remain, would still be in numbers large enough for us to win a war with any neighbouring country by simply having waves upon waves of these people storm the borders (remember how the Chinese sent waves of soldiers to die and exhaust Indian bullets in the 1962 war) and into enemy territory. 

If Pakistan is serious about fighting India, it should do the same with their war mongers and jihadis. Why should those who want a war with India, join only the Taliban and the Mujahedeen groups of the world. Let them, like we will do in India, join the official Pakistani Army so that they do not have to sneaking in like cowards and kill innocent Indian civilians in terrorist attacks. Let them come out in broad daylight, fight with courage and then kill our battalion of civilian soldiers - if they bloody can. 

And since the haters in both countries don’t want citizens of the other country to play cricket, or their actors to act in the others’ films thus depriving us of entertainment, we can hire an Eden Garden and with a 100 cameras all over the stadium, watch the fun as these citizen soldiers blow each other to smithereens in a gladiator like show. 

The damage to the stadium can be repaired with all the savings they have accrued as civilians. 

And once all the war mongers in both the nuclear nations die or are converted, the rest of us in both countries can go about our business of peace, fully aware that there are no winners in any war, there are only survivors; so we can go ahead in the knowledge that war is never inevitable, peace should always be. 

So that we move ahead towards peace in the Yoda like awareness that only when a mosquito sits on your groin do you realise that the swatter is not the answer to every problem.


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