By Krish Ashok

What are people more likely to remember once this six-week orgy of cricket gets over?

Spectacular catches? Soaring sixes? Crucial wickets?

No.

Karbonn Kamaal Katches, DLF Maximums and Citi moments of success.

Of course, that was exactly what these companies wanted.

But wait, I am not done yet.

People are going to remember to hate these brands till the end of the universe as we know it.

 If IPL advertising was a steak, it’s not just overdone, it’s charred and mostly vapourized.

What with investors paying upwards of US $300 million for the Pune and Kochi teams, they are going to have to come up with newer ways to monetise the IPL.

I think the future is in going local. Local businesses should be able to do embedded ads.

Also, by IPL4, the commentators will be forced to unlearn several years of Wren & Martin. Most school kids learn that a typical sentence in English has the structure

          < Subject > < predicate >

But the IPL has different ideas about the language. The “suggested” (coerced) format is

< Brand name > < subject > < Brand slogan > < predicate > < Brand name > < Brand slogan >

Let me give you some examples:

 “The ball was hit straight to the fielder” now becomes

 “The Arun ball Ice cream was Mosquito Spray hit Camel Geometry Box Ruler Straight to the HMT Rice Fielder Tractor”

Additional rules include:

• If the commentator coughs or clears his throat, he must, within the next breath promote a cough/clearing drops product
• Commentators must announce bathroom fittings brand names in case they are taking a restroom break.
• In case they had trouble in the restroom, they must come back and immediately promote digestive/laxative products as appropriate
• If they laugh, they must make it a point to laugh like a TV laughtrack and must immediately promote comedy serials on TV
• They must also promote the brand of water they are drinking and any snack that they happen to munch on
• When the camera shows a large tethered balloon in the sky (which for some reason is inaccurately called a blimp), all commentators must collectively “ooh” and “aah” and peddle ads for virility tonics