How to bowl to in-form batsmen

The Unfair Umpire is a fictional series that attempts to delve into the mind of the men in white hats. They see all, know all, but rarely say anything. Unless their memoirs get published; but that's too long to wait. We thought we'd get you an inside track of what they ought to be thinking. Only, it's us saying it. So don't take it too seriously. Just have a laugh.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Umpires' class on "How To Bowl To In-Form Batsmen."

Sachin isn't an umpire's friend

Before we commence, let's take a quick look at what not to do:

Don't be Siddharth Trivedi.
If you are, and you bowl Adam Gilchrist, make sure you don't bowl a no-ball.
If you do bowl a no-ball, pray your teammates don't appeal for a run-out. It's just embarrassing.
After not getting the wicket and being embarrassed, and conceding a free-hit, don't bowl a half-tracker that Adam Gilchrist can pummel for four.

If you thought that's all you had to do, think again. We see these matches up close and our insight and knowledge is going to benefit you. Here's set 2 of the tips:

Don't be Shaun Tait.
If you are, and you've just about got away with an almost back-foot no-ball to Sachin Tendulkar in the World Cup quarter final, ensure you don't do it again.
If you can't ensure you don't do it again, ensure you don't do it to Paul Valthaty.
If you still go on to do it, don't abuse him. Period. Especially since you know you're prone to bowling no-balls.
After not getting out Paul Valthaty and instead conceding a free-hit, don't bowl an overpitched ball that Valthaty can smack the living daylights out of through cover.
Don't keep asking umpires how far over the line your foot was. It was over and that's all that matters. Go back and bowl!

Now if you can't manage any of the above, here's a few final tips for you:

Don't be Shane Warne.
Don't be in the Rajasthan Royals.
Be Adam Gilchrist and/or Paul Valthaty.

Don't do the above and you'll have done well enough. If we truly knew the answer to the above, we wouldn't be umpiring now, would we?

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Also, just so you know we're not all work and no play, enjoy this joke:

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Paul Valthaty.

Paul Valthaty who?

Val Thaty balls I played made sure you lost!

It is funny, we assure you. You can't no-ball us.

And before we sign off, there was much interest in what Shane Warne said to Dinesh Karthik and vice-versa. Let me assure you, it's not fit to be repeated on a forum where families and other young members of our country will be active. It's just not cricket!

Disclaimer: The content in these articles is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. There is no indication or implication of any umpire having actually said any of the content. Also, no umpires were harmed during the making of these columns!