The IPL version of Mahabharatha

Krish Ashok

The Mahabharatha is really like an India-Australia Test series, but Lalit Modi would like very much for it to be a T20 game.

In fact, an IPL T20 game.

I am told that he already has plans to produce this epicstravaganza some time in the near future.

It starts with Vyasa playing an ExtrAAA innings. The 3 A's stand for Amba, Ambika and Ambalika.

Ambika is featured in an advertisement for Lasik Treatment as she explains solemnly, her irrational fear that led to her son, Dhritarashtra becoming blind.

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The ad ends with her sagely (or Vyasly, if you will) advising everyone to visit Saraswati Lasik centre, Tollygunge. Ambalika turns pale just by looking at the Vyasaline cream (for women) and thus gains the necessary confidence in life to give birth to Pandu, who is also a trusted customer of Vyasaline cream (for men), we are told.

Amba, the eldest one, is rejected by both Shalva and Bhishma, and we are informed that such rejection is commonplace among women who do not possess that crucial quality of ''Zero Dandruff''. She is so annoyed with her hair that she cuts it off and is reborn as a man.

We then proceed to the toss, and before that, we are informed by the ''witch report'' that Captain Kunti feels that it is likely to be sunny and adds - ''Decision Karna mushkil hai'', but decides to put the opposition in by dumping the baby who, later in life, grows up to become ''Ravi'' Karna Jadeja.

Kunti and Madri later have five children thanks to the Maxxx mobile strategic timeout and then return to Hastinapur.

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Pandu dies because he forgets about the Karbonn Ka Maal Catch clause in Sage Durvasa's curse, which states that if he enjoys any ''maal'' that is a carbon life-form, he will die.

It's now the crucial ''Power play'' section of the great game, and the opponents, the Hastinapur Royals (aka Kurus) and the Indraprastha Indians (aka Pandavas), try to outwit each other.

Arjuna even attends a swayamwara and ''hits the sweet spot'' to win Draupadi, and in true Indraprastha Indians' tradition, everyone basks in his genius & glory without contributing a shred from their side.

At a crucial stage in the game, Ravi Shastri informs us that ''the roll of the dice has not gone the Pandavas' way'' and therefore they are exiled to an extended Maxx Mobile Timeout, but not before Draupadi undergoes the same treatment Mike Kasprowicz did at Sharjah at the hands of Sachin.

The first six yards of her robes are from Nalli, the next six from Kumaran, then from RmKV and so on.

We then break to an ad that informs us that no matter what saree you wear, you are never complete without ''Krishna covering'', Pondy Bazaar, Chennai.

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As we approach the slog overs, the game becomes a war and one of the Kurus calls the Hastinapur Royals ''ordinary'' and immediately defects to the Pandavas' side.

But instead of getting straight to the action, we are first treated to several ''Life, the Universe & Everything" tips from Krishna.

Then Drums Sivamani announces the start of the action by beating the war drum. It begins. Dhritarashtra slowly goes mad and insane by listening to the unbearably lame live commentary from Sunsiva (a hybrid of Sunil Gavaskar and Laxman Siva).

The war is brutal. We are treated to sights of Bhishma dying on a bed of Arrow shirts.

An ad for ''Aswatthaama'' brand earphones also informs us of the dangers of mishearing. Eventually, the Indraprastha Indians win by unleashing a Bheema.

Also by Krish Ashok: Insect to IPL: An irreverent history of cricket | IPL 3: Too many ads, too little cricket | IPL and the advertising orgy