Respected Saar & Madam at Sify.com,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for disturbing your lunch time with my letter. Sir, as a citizen of this country I feel very guilty in seeing how investor money on Kachra stocks like DHFL or Videocon is eating hard-earned money of Indian stock market investors.
Sir, just like betting, only few Indians are making money. And during IPL sir, there are more such money-losing schemes that are being shown to us Indians sir. Sir, I too tried my hands at making a good team but I ended up only losing money Sir.
Sir, I am a Common-Man and you better don't give my opinions any credibility. But sir there is no credibility in stock markets too sir, and hence I felt like writing a letter to you.
Before you read my lengthy letter sir, let me give you a brief background of myself.
Sir, I am not an Aam-aadmi because I cannot afford mangoes sir, otherwise I am a 100% pucca common-man. And, at the rate IPOs and stock markets are dancing, I certainly cannot afford any investment except some insurance or post-office fixed deposits.
Sometimes I wonder sir, how am I going to afford stocks. I cannot afford Parupu (Dal), Tenga (Coconut, basic ingredient for Sambar & Chutney) or even Rice (Ration quality for excellent Dosa and Utthappa). I cannot afford Petrol also sir.
The cost of living has increased so much naa in these days. Don't ask! Even my neighbor Ramesh and his wife were complaining. Just the other day sir, their DTH box stopped working on the 10th day of the month only because some greedy channels increased their rates.
I sometimes wonder sir, is it only me, an employed service professional who cannot increase my rates whenever I want? Sir, even for government employees there is a pay commission, we the un-unionized service sector have nobody to even cry to.
These days naa, every company knows people are only working from home and that is why rates can be increased anytime. For this no, I have a special request for Sitharaman ma'am. Actually, I have a big request. Someday I will write to her also.
But since you are curious to know about my special request to Madam Sitharaman, here it is. Madam Sitharamanji, I think you should not just penalize commoners with costly petrol but also tax big brands which are hiking their MRP. Madam, whatever tax country gets from that no, we should donate it to a common pool.
Imagine madam, a bottle of water is being rampantly sold for Rs 25. Somebody is making a profit of Rs 5 despite the MRTP act. Waise, how much is a bottle of water in the Parliament madam? Just asking for reference madam, please dont misunderstand me, (big fan of you and the red Bahi khaata).
SEBI Sir, my meagre salary has inspired me to become very curious about how people are living in these costly times. My neighbor Ramesh, who is such a wannabe, tells me that he bought a laptop because of profit on something called IPO. As usual, he does not want to educate me fearing that my natural intelligence will make me the Ambani on our street.
"He's jealous paa. 100% He is always like that no," my heart tells me.
"So IPOs huh!" I think to myself. But smart Google which is more attentive to me than even my mother tells me that IPO is Initial Public Offering. Thanks to Google, I understand that any company can go to the public and request their money.
Just this week, a hospital chain, a dairy farm and a steel manufacturing company created their IPO. Ramesh whispers to me, "The hospital will increase revenues by 25 times because of third Covid wave. My profit will be 45X..."
"Nasama Po!" I tell him while I imagine the hard impact of the Covid. I also think that if public money is used by a hospital it should become free for the public to use no.
Anyways, thank God Ramesh does not understand Tamil, I can give him as many bad words as possible.
Thanks to Ramesh and Google, I have become a stock market expert. Now, I can give more gyaan through my letter. See, if you want to make more money no, you should invest in good companies yaar. There are sure thousands of good opportunities that can double your money. But not as much as the combination of Thakkali chutney and Neer Dosa. Actually no I like Vengai vatha-kozhumba and Idli more during these romantic rainy days.
But wait before you spend all your life earned-money on the stock markets. You should be very careful about this market, especially Indian markets. Nowadays, they are calling it something like Bull or Cow market. I think it should be Bull, because Cow may be reference to country no. "Naraayana, Yenna akramam," my heart prays for the animals that are being referred to this market behavior.
By the way, a bull market is when everybody is running around a drunken bull. This mad bull, just like what you could see in Jallikaatu can toss you and hurt you very seriously. Very Seriously my friend! I am surprised that Jallikaatu was banned but there is no one stopping this mad bull-run on Indian stock market. Yeppidi?
IPO is the first time that a company goes to market with public kaasu. Google also tells me that every IPO launched during Covid time is raising more money than it even asked for. How daa? Yeppidi? How is it possible that during Covid every investor has given more money to IPOs. How did they end up saving money?
Maybe public is breaking their FDs or taking loans. Getting loan is become so easy naa now a days. Maybe thanks to the Aatmanirbhar package! Anyways what the public is doing with their money is not my filter coffee.
Ramesh also tells me how this IPO works, "It is just like MLM daa. You subscribe first when the company announces for IPO. You tell your broker to invest your money. On listing day, the stock goes up 15 percent and then you sell it for a cool profit!"
"Avaluv daana?(Just that!)" I am very shocked daa macha! Here, I work 24 hours everyday, my salary is not going up only. But, investors are getting 15 percent within weeks. "Romba encouraginga irruku Ramesh," I tell him.
IPOs sound so similar to how they sold Beer in Mumbai during the initial days of the lockdown. First, the shopkeeper announces on WhatsApp that stocks of Beer are limited. Buyers must buy in lots of either 10 or 15 bottles. Then they will take money via Google Pay, PayTm or online bank transfers. After 10 days, buyers are intimated whether they will get their Beer or not with a message. If beer gets over, money is refunded after 10 days.
There is no interest on money sent by buyers who failed in subscribing to Beer. "Seriyana Thalavali (Headache) Process, but makes a lot of money!"
By the way, a bottle of beer which was selling for Rs 150 before the lockdown-dhamaaka was being sold for Rs 250 plus 50 rupees for delivery and 25 rupees for the cloth bag. So much inflation no!
As investor you should also be careful about how stock markets are behaving these days. Actually it is very similar to our daily lives. Baby products are usually the most expensive. Sugar, Salt, Bread, Noodles, Pasta, Turmeric, Sambar Podi, Molagai Podi, Rava, Biryani Masala, Papad, Honey, Poha, Onion, Potato, Tomato are the usually listed and well-traded stocks. There are only two differences - investors buy everything everyday, causing rates to rise everyday.
And number two, investors buy even those things that they don't need -- like lonely bachelors or spinsters buying baby diapers or condoms.
Thanks to the markets, our shopkeeper, busy selling products, is making a cool profit. Just last month no, that Agarwal chap purchased a Kia Seltos.
The distributor who manages supply of these products is also making a good profit. Last month only, his daughter was married off at a Grand function at a big five star hotel in Mumbai. Somebody told me that he gave a 5 BHK flat in Andheri as dowry to the groom. Just one day before marriage that chap was complaining about Covid and how he lost lots of money. Maybe he is a poor man, maybe hotel guys gave him some discounts. Paavam!
Just like me, Shanta-taai, our house-help also has an interesting opinion. "Yeh IPO-Vypo sab bakwaas hai saab!"
"Mera idhar ki macchiwaali bai gayi thi karne ko IPO... Woh bada saab log ne bhaga diya na usko. Bole 2 crore lagega." she says.
"Sagle paise vaale ashech paishe banavtat, H**r**mi kuthle!" (All money-minded make money like that only. Corrupt folks)
"Ohh, Aisa kyaa!" I agree with my slight Thanjavur accent.
I contemplate what if Shantataai or her machiwaali baai could actually start something like an IPO for the stock markets. Our lives, anyways are so much dependent on them.
Imagine, if Shantataai does not work. I have to cook, wash my own clothes, and clean the house. I will not be able to perform in my "thalai-vali (headache) pidicha" work.
If Shantataai's friend, the machhiwaali, does not sell fish, then who will? Let me tell you a trade secret -- the big and organized retailers sell prawns for 700 rupees and those unorganized fishermen sell it for just 300. (Give them my reference yaar, you will get Rs 50 discount.)
Just like the hard-working dabbawaalas of Mumbai, the machiwaala community of Aamchi Mumbai that catch and sell fish across Mumbai, Thane, Navi Mumbai and Raigad are very hard-working people. They should get a chance to raise money no.
And what is this stock market giving them? Not even a chance to list? "Kodumai!"
"Paavam Jananga!" I feel sorry for them. Such hard-working communities should be given a chance to list themselves on an OSI.
Sorry SEBI, I took liberty in naming it as OSI - Our Super Indians. I know you can come up with better abbreviations. I could have said ISO (Indian Super Offering) but then ISO stands for Indian Standards Organization. After watching DHFL, I am asking myself - "Standards irrukaa indha market la? (Do these markets have any standards?)"
Coming to OSI, if the SEBI allows this, we will get to see so many inspiring people and communities on the stock market with their unique stories. Just like Vijay.
Vijay is a local boy from our building. He lost his job recently because of Covid but instead of taking to liquor and complaining, he has turned into such a helpful boy for the society. He drove Ambulance, helped Covid struck people, cooked food for the society. Such a helpful and noble soul. Public money through the OSI could actually be used for such helpful public.
But there is a problem. Maybe, Sitharaman madam and even SEBI officials are aware of this.
People, just like my neighbor Ramesh, will create fake profile to make more illegal money from the market. Just like they invented word Shorting, they will even invent more words like Funting or Shunting etc to make more money.
And guys like Ramesh will be supported in his greed by none other than the shopkeeper and the bada distributor who gave a 5 BHK home in Andheri as a dowry.
Oh no! While I am busy thinking all this, my Sambar has turned black. Now, it looks exactly like our stock markets these days -- "Yeh daal main kuch toh kaala hai..."
Disclaimer: Prof Bluffington Iyer is a day-dreamer, invests time in over-thinking and writing silly parodies and satire for Sify Finance. Do support Prof Bluffington's dream-time and thoughts by sharing them on Social Media. Do follow Sify News and Sify Finance for the real news.