As India marks itself at the forefront of the world by building the tallest statues of leaders and gods, so tall the next one might as well be a moon mission, or even a Mars mission, I for one have decided I need to change my attitude.
The government is doing its best to honour the sons and daughters of the soil, and so here are a few ideas for statues.
Kiss for the Kisaan – height 1064 metres
These farmers don’t appreciate what they have, ya. They go on marches across Maharashtra, they stomp to the capital, leaving patches of their soles on the tar roads. They wear green and strip to protest their plight.
And what plight, I tell you? When 750 kilograms of onion fetches a princely sum of Rs 1064, what are they arguing about? What do they want, a statue of that height?
Might as well give it to them, no? After all, we are an agrarian economy and we should honour them. But since farmers keep this country running, they should also be made to pay for the statue. Let us take the money out of their life insurance policies, or make them sell their land at a rupee an acre, but whatever it is, we will make sure the farmers pay for a 1064-metre high statue of the kisaan.
Sher Khan – oops, Hindu country, so Shri Sherji – height 1973 metres
This was the year Project Tiger was launched.
Since then, we have patted ourselves on the back, because the newly-coined national animal has been growing in numbers.
But, you know what, these stupid tigers, they don’t know they should stay in their forests and not encroach into the cities that magically cropped up in those lands. So they go around killing people.
And when they aren’t killing people and getting killed in return, they try to cross train tracks instead of following traffic rules and taking the long way around.
These tigers are becoming a nuisance, I tell you. But then, what to do, it is the national animal and we should honour it by building a monument to the tiger. What is the point of saving this animal at the cost of development and human life, no?
The Great Indian Rupee – height 7099 metres
Today, the rupee has reached a record high – let’s not call it a low, the number does keep increasing after all – against the dollar. As of the time of writing this piece, a dollar comprises 7099 paise. Isn’t this a moment of great pride for us?
This is a great deal more than the Congress government could ever push the rupee, no?
And this would not have been possible, as that know-it-all Raghuram Rajan himself admitted, if not for demonetisation and the introduction of the Good and Simple Tax, also known as the Goods and Services Tax.
As a monument to this elevation of the rupee, we should erect a statue that celebrates our currency.
And to emphasise the psychedelic appeal of the new notes, this statue should not be of plain, shiny metal, but painted in striking fluorescent colours.
The Price of Petrol – height 8581 metres
This is the highest per litre price in paise of petrol in India at the moment, with Andhra Pradesh finding its way to this unique honour. We might just have overtaken most other countries with this rate. How cool is that, huh?
It is only the unpatriotic who want to curb the petrol price and introduce GST on it. How will the oil companies make a profit if we do such silly things, and without the industrialists making a profit, how will we ever have our big scams?
Come on, the price of petrol per litre has nothing to do with the international price of crude oil per barrel. All this economics is a Vatican conspiracy. Follow WhatsApp groups for non-fake news.
This should be the biggest statue ever built, to show just how much we honour women. Ideally, this should go right up to Venus, which is where women are rumoured to be from.
Also, statues are a lot easier to handle than flesh-and-blood women.
These girls, no, they should be grateful they simply exist, given the foeticide and infanticide rates.
Instead of thanking their stars, they wear all sorts of clothes and go out at all sorts of times of the night and hang out with all sorts of people of different sexes, and then claim they were not “asking for it”.
On top of all this, they go and start some #MeToo movement, and make a big deal out of non-consensual romance, when everyone knows a “feeble ‘no’” is basically a “yes”.
So, let’s invest in a statue that is testament to the cultured Indian woman – she must be seen and not heard.
And let’s make sure the statue is wearing anti-rape clothes, because you never know, however mighty the woman and whatever metal she is made of, one can never be too careful.
More Columns by Nandini Krishnan:
India's #MeToo: A moment of reckoning
Of Swachch Bharat and scavenging
LGBTQIA rights have a long way to go
V S Naipaul: The man the world loved to hate
The legacy of Karunanidhi
"Rapistan": There are no safe places
The "most dangerous country" poll should not make us defensive
The illusion of secularism
When hooliganism is state-sanctioned
Tarun Tejpal case: When the media plays jury
Karnataka: Death of democracy
India shining as ecosystems die?
Tamil Nadu: The land of the lawless
When death does not deter
Power play at a time of crisis
A country in denial
The gods have left the temples
What cricketers' reactions to ball-tampering show
Even Chhota Bheem knows our data was never private
No Confidence Motion: Why is the BJP nervous?
Do we really have the right to die with dignity?
Democracy has no place for mobs