Hope you are doing good. You know I hold you in high esteem but I’m totally appalled by what I believe you insinuated in the commentary box during our match against Kings XI Punjab last evening in relation to my not coming to bat up the order. After Shivam Dube went into bat following a great innings by Washington Sundar (13 off 14 balls 😘), you speculated that maybe I was unwell, maybe I had a tummy upset and that prevented me from joining the one and only Virat Kohli 😍. Though I have a high regard for you I don’t like how often you make such reckless speculations. Before we could even fully recover from what you earlier said in regard to God Kohli lacking practice as he was only facing deliveries from sister Anushka Sharma during the lockdown, here you throw another bomb in our direction. I take strong exception to that. You don’t know how good she is as a bowler. You may have done very well against the West Indies’ fast bowlers back in the day but trust me when I say their bowling is nowhere close to that of Anushka. You had better start believing in Women Power. And then you really thought that I would agree to participate in the game with a tummy upset? That is directly questioning my integrity. My integrity matters too. I don’t know why you are causing us, the RCB family, so much grief. Okay, you can say all that about me but do you really think Lord Kohli 😇 will let that happen, do you question his sense of fairness?? Do you think he will play a man on the runs? 😡 So obsessed were you with me that I’m sure you forgot to take notice of one of the best innings ever played by our holy captain 🛐 in the history of the Indian Premier League. 48 off 39 balls! Yes, you read it right! Let me repeat again, 48 off 39 balls. Those three breathtaking fours! O, they gave me goosebumps. And an even greater innings he played against KKR the other day. He scored 33 off 28 balls when a mere mortal like me could only score 73 off 33 balls. He hit one massive four while I just hit five 4s and six 6s. He is a great man. I am sure you would not have noticed these attributes of his on account of your prejudices. Finally, I do acknowledge your legendary status and your contribution to the game of cricket but please refrain from taking too many digs at us. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth. A taste that even a strong Kingfisher pint 🍺 fails to obliterate. So much for “ Oo La La Lala Le O”.
(To avoid any confusion, readers please note this satirical letter has been written by one of our staff writers, not AB de Villiers)
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