Bluffington Iyer pens an emotional letter to Sundar Pichai about the features announced at the recently concluded Google IO 2023.

Google launched a host of features at its recently concluded Google IO 2023.

Hosted at the Shoreline Amphitheatre, in Mountain View, California, a packed crowd of analysts and journalists waited anxiously on Google’s next line-up of products for the next year.

But a fan based 9,000 miles ahead of California seemed disgruntled by unexplainable factors. He reveals his problems:

Vanakkam Sundar,

Sowkiyama! Inga yellam kshemam (all is well), Anga yeppadi (how is it there?)? Okay vaa?

See, how silly I am. You must be doing wonderful only, no! Like a fabulous serving of Jigar-thanda on a sweltering day.

Anyways, on a serious note how are you doing ji? How is the climate in California? How is madam ji? Give my regards to your parents okay va!

Ji, I am konjam disappointed ji. Ivaluv (showing little finger)

Last month only I am travelling in a rickshaw. Rickshaw-kaaran showing me terrible traffic on maps and telling me to walk.

After paying five hundred rupees also, I must walk. Paavi Paavi!

And ji, your Maps App, it gave me Aapu! Instead of showing me a simple route, this naughty app made me walk. Sometimes I am confused ji, who hates me very much – my Maamiyaar or such technology. Anyways, like me you also must be showered by Maamiyar no? Talking about Blessings, ji.

I did not like your intro speech ji. You are not talking about India only. You are born in Madurai… Brought up in Namba Madras and speaking so fluent American style English! But not even once naming any one Indian city. Why ji?

I watched your YouTube video 5 times. I even downloaded transcript and searched for India. Onnum Illai says search. Then I searched for Madurai. I felt you would have whispered at least about your birthplace, no? That also you did not. Then I searched for T Nagar, Adayar, Mylapore, Nungambakkam, and even Poes Garden. I am getting nothing ji.

Yevalava varuthama iruku teriyumma? Oru darava “Chennai developers, Thank You” sollirkalam illiya? Seri, yenga kandravi emotionsa vidunga boss!

(Feeling so sad. You could have at least once said thank you to Chennai developers. Okay, leave our emotions aside.)

You are telling examples about Seoul, collaborating with code in Korean language. We should code in Sanskrit and Tamil also ji.

Anyways, ji, you know my neighbor Suresh, no. Yes, That good for nothing guy.

Ji, he got a job at Microsoft. And now everyday he is only comparing ji. Teriyum illa yaar? Verayaaru, Andha ChatGPT daan!

Ji, today that Suresh is again coming to my house and showing me his new laptop. Okay, I see the Dell laptop, I feel nice about it. But why to compare ChatGPT with Brad? (See I can also hallucinate with the name!)

I scolded him ji. I told him that it is all a problem of Raahu-kaalam.

Ji, your speech yesterday, I started watching it on YouTube sometime around 9:30 pm. I know! You are located in California. But you need a good Vaadyar (Priest) to find an auspicious time to start such launches. Ji, if a launch is auspicious, that alone will give 100% give auspicious results.

But this Suresh no, ji. He is become very smart these days. He is telling me “Google only launches new products and then leaves users high and dry.”

I tell him, “15 GB free space, new Compose features, Free YouTube with ads, free ah kodutha, idhu daan solvei! ” (If you get free things, you will only complain!)

Besides being stupid, I realised that Suresh is also a buffoon, Ji, he is telling “Dai Microsoft also giving free space, and OpenAI you can do search also. Google is not talking anything about Search.”

“Dai, do you even know how many times Search came up in Google’s IO 2023?”

“48-times, da. That shows Sundar and Google’s commitment to Search. Onakku yeppadi puriyum? (How would you know?)”

“Dai, tughlaq, Go to Bing. There is already an AI search there.” says Suresh.

Suddenly Suresh’s cousin Ramesh also joins us ji. “What about Analytics, it is migrating soon. Google is only deprecating so many services. And, what about my website, will I get ad-revenue from the AI-search?” he is asking ji.

“Defecating ah?” I am asking him. But, what to tell such doubtful creatures? I can make one person understand ji, but when so many people are asking same questions again and again, I point them to the sky and say “Ishvaara, ivaaluku kudu paa!”

Now I change topic ji. I tell Suresh and Ramesh about new devices and the camera features. But again, these peoples are not getting impressed only.

Suresh is showing me his iPhone 14 and telling “Big sensors of Sony are fail in front of Apple, what is Google going to . Huh?” He is telling like this ji.

But he accepts that Apple did blunder with RCS ji. High-five ji.

Ji, just one query. Ji, that foldable device no. That is having crease in the middle ji. If you have read about me, you should know how much I like dosas.

Ji, a good plate of Dosa should be crisp and even after folding it in circles, it should not have a visible fold in the middle ji. In this image no, I am seeing a proper fold is there.

Rest everything is okay here ji. Just some emotion coming out ji. But I know you are working very hard on this Generative AI and very soon you will gift us an AI that could do all our work.

I am getting so happy thinking only ji. I am thinking that this AI will go to office on my behalf every day; I can tell AI to teach my children; AI to take Appa and Amma to the temple; and I can sit and relax ji. But this doubtful character, Suresh, he is disturbing even in my dreams ji.

Suresh is telling, “Dai, if everything AI only is doing, what are you going to do?”

I cannot have intellectual level discussions with Suresh. I tell him “Poramai! Onakku Poramai Daa, Vera Onnum illai! (You are jealous, nothing else.)”

Anyways, all the best ji. And thank you for reading this letter. Next time please invite us also to your event, ji.

Your Ardent Fan,
Bluffington Iyer,

Disclaimer: This article and its author Bluffington Iyer are fictional.

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Sairaj Iyer is a Mumbai based financial and business journalist. His articles have appeared in Banking Frontiers, The Dollar Business,, and recently The Economic Times and The Times of India. Besides Technology, he writes on strategies, trends in the BFSI industry, policy-making, and personal finance.

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